Finding Purpose In Running Part 2
Turning a sport into an idol is a recipe for disappointment. Humans at their core fail to find lasting joy in arbitrary things of this world because they were created to find their purpose in glorifying God – not themselves. Even though I managed to find success during my sophomore year of cross country (see blog post 9), I wasn’t necessarily happy. I spent most waking moments evaluating my performance and thinking about who I was as a runner, rather than turning my focus outwards towards others and, most importantly, towards having a relationship with God.
After experiencing a fun baseball season on the JV team, I began preparing for my Junior year XC. Something was different this year though. I had already accomplished many of my goals the year before (making varsity, All-District, Make state, etc.) I felt a need to “up the ante” so to speak. I wanted more, and I was willing to put in the work to see those dreams realized. Although this kind of thinking isn’t inherently bad, and, in some ways, it’s even a really good thing, I took it to the extreme, not allowing time for anything else, including God.
One facet of my training I took to an unhealthy level was my eating. I had been a healthy eater before, but I saw an opportunity to further work on my diet to improve my performance. As many of you know, I do not have the prototypical “runner’s build.” Instead, I have always been bigger boned and taller than many of my cross country friends. I decided the reason I was heavier and bigger than the rest of my friends was because I ate too much. So, along with eating really healthy, I began to cut calories.
Starting at a healthy 180 pounds at the beginning of the year, and ultimately getting down to 159 pounds at my lowest, my performance did not improve. Instead, it did just the opposite. As my body begged me for more calories, it began to shut down. I had a good start to the season and even set a time worthy of the record board on the Westminster Plaza, but by the middle of October, I knew something was very wrong. I felt chilled all of the time even when it was hot. I started to feel extremely weak in the middle of my runs. I couldn’t sleep.
I ended up getting a blood test by my doctor because we didn’t know what was wrong. The test came back showing I was low on iron. Even as I began to took the iron, my symptoms didn’t resolve. Looking back on it, it should have been fairly obvious to me that most of my issues could be attributed to not eating enough (we only just learned that I also am intolerant to some foods that made it hard for me to absorb nutrients).
Long story short, when my performance began to dwindle and I could barely make it through a school day feeling weak and exhausted, my sole purpose I had given myself began crashing down on me.
Only later on (this year) did I realize sacrificing my livelihood in order to achieve a fast time (which I did) was in no way worth it. As I reflect on that junior year, a quote by Francis Chan that I saw within the Westminster hallways may provide a good summary: “Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter.”
This is not to say my hard work didn’t matter; in fact, God deems hard work good. We are supposed to work hard and rest on Sunday. But the accomplishments I was working so hard to achieve were to glorify myself, not God. And, at the end of the day, only God is eternal.
One year later, all I have to show for my idolization of running is a name on a record board. READ: Not worth it. Instead, the friendships I formed, the good times we had, and ultimately, God watching over me to help me get through some of the darkest months of my life are what really stick out to me from my junior year. These are the things that make God happy. These are the things that matter.
Check back next week, as I continue to talk about the road to recovery after junior season and the spiritual and mental growth I experienced leading up to my senior year.
Note: My goal for these blog posts is to try to help others understand that making anything else greater than God will never bring lasting joy.